Sunday, 30 October 2016


So I just woke from a dream, and I suppose because I woke up with a fast heartbeat and twitching muscles, it was a nightmare. The nightmare was my dad tickling me. I know. Sounds like nothing much.

But I woke up panicking. Literally. And without sounding like a tumblr writer, a bunch of memories and feelings came flooding back. The number of times he would tickle me until I felt uncomfortable. It was a lot. The game called 'tickle trap'. I remember a game we played called 'trap' which I guess looking back was kind of weird, based as it was on me liking the feeling of being dominated and held down. Literally. That was the game. I can kind of see why my dad was confused.
"How about tickle trap?" he once said.
"No, I prefer trap," I replied, anticipating my future sexual confusion over Bailey Jay.
And yet he obviously seemed to enjoy the tickling, even though I didn't. Maybe because I didn't. I always remember the times he would go overboard were always when my mum wasn't around. I remember quite distinctly a holiday in Spain when I was five, and my sister and dad lying on a bed, and him tickling her and her lashing out and actually kicking him. At the time I felt really bad for my dad, but looking back, I'm glad she did it.
Image result for hate tickling

I know how ridiculous this sounds, like I'm accusing my dad of being abusive. I'm not. It's just a strange feeling, waking in panic and a fast heartbeat based on something as seemingly innocent as being tickled. A few things make sense now. Like, when my nieces try to tickle my feet, I don't laugh.  When asked why, I shrug and say 'I just don't get ticklish'. But I do. I can distinctly remember the feeling of involuntarily laughing whilst gasping 'stop' and being ignored, so I guess what I ended up doing was just not allow myself to laugh anymore. Anyone who goes to tickle my ribs will get a jerk away and nothing more. It feels like being poked with a cattle prod. I don't laugh at all. I don't allow myself to laugh, because then that's giving them the way in.

And that's the origin story of how I became deadpan catface, basically.

Image result for origin story

I'm doing that English thing I always do where I try to make it at least slightly amusing and self-deprecating, but the feelings were really real. He was strong, man. It was like fighting an octopus. And it was a fight, no doubt about it. I remember many times literally being on the floor and pushing him in the chest to get him off, and then getting my ribs tickled whilst my hands were up - I dunno, maybe I enjoyed it, but the primary feeling I remember was wondering who the hell this person was. Like it wasn't really my dad, but just this random person who had decided to do this. I hated the feeling of not knowing when it was going to end either.

Catface in action.

Even now he does random weird shit with my nieces, like stroking their arms... I know there's nothing particularly wrong with it, but I just always think "they clearly don't want him to do that". And to be honest, I wouldn't do that to them or even want to. It's like, they're not yours to randomly touch and stroke. Yes, they're children with soft skin, but that doesn't mean you randomly get to stroke them. My older niece now sometimes says that he's weird. I feel bad that she has to think that way about someone she ought to trust. A bit of physical affection is ok, but there is a line, and it should be fairly obvious.

Image result for cat not like stroke

Like the whole having to hug people goodbye thing. For ages my sister used to get them to either hug or kiss us goodbye. In fact it started as 'kiss on the lips' to 'kiss' to 'hug' until now finally she doesn't insist at all. She still occasionally might, but I always say it's fine or offer a high five instead. When I was their age we always had to hug or kiss people even though we didn't want to, and if we did what we were told, that meant we were 'good'. Even now I hate hearing anyone say 'good girl' to my nieces, and of course my dad's the one who says it to them all the time.

 Image result for why do parents say good girl boy

Point is, man, I awoke from a nightmare and it was about something which hasn't happened in twenty years and yet my brain still felt the need to rehash it, a bit like the current trend for rehashing the 90s generally. And the genuine panic - I think that was what freaked me out a bit, waking up feeling like I was right back in that moment, feeling trapped. You could argue it's a metaphor for the fact I'm living at home with my parents (sort of), but for the specificity of the dream and the physical reaction I felt upon waking.
 Image result for inception specificity

I could go on about the other numbers of times my dad overrode me and fucked up my self esteem, but the post would go on forever. The irony is that apparently he used to moan to my mum about his terrible dad when they were first going out as if it excused how he was. My mum was initially sympathetic.

I just don't really know what to feel about the guy if I'm honest. I remember when I first heard the Nirvana lyric (yep, I've gone full Nirvana) about 'I tried hard to have a father but instead I had a dad' and thinking that's wrong - it should be 'I tried hard to have a dad, but instead I got a father'. I remember a distinct moment as a boy thinking 'is this really my dad?' Other kids' dads seemed to actually be what I always imagined dads to be. Lovable. Jovial. Gentle. Not insistent on attention like some child. It was like he was the kid, and I had to humour him, instead of the other way round. I dunno.

Obviously he never did anything actually abusive. But it was, and still is, constant belittlement and little putdowns. It's like instead of being stabbed once by a knife, it's thousands of tiny pinpricks through your whole life. Being poked and prodded to the point where it's uncomfortable is the perfect physical representation of that I guess. Just enough to be acceptable, but also enough to me to feel reduced by it. That's all. Just a banal reduction. And it's all too easy to say 'oh, they fuck you up, your mum and dad' or 'everyone's dads are like that' because that excuses it too easily, and actually takes away me as a person who feels things, and him as a person who does things. I'm not being oversensitive - I used to think I was, and so buried how I felt - and I know I'm not because eveyone else in my family is feeling this way too. Just a constant feeling of 'hmm, maybe the guy who we were forcing ourselves to act happy around was actually a bit of a bully and a self-centered man-child with no sense of parental responsibility or even real love at all.'

Image result for that escalated quickly

Memes take all the emotion away. Feels better, man.

Monday, 2 May 2016

The Patient

Patient exists in a constant state of existential flux. Only the acts of sensory pleasure invoke an entrance into the arena of humanity. The creation of personal masterpieces - kept hidden and stored as talismanic representations of the ideal self - these are the only traces of evidence to the patient that he exists. He studies these solid blocks of self at night before he goes to sleep in order to maintain an anchor in a sea of uncertainty. He must exist because this creation exists. It does not matter how crude the art, how inconsequential - what’s important is that it exists. Time is taken out of the equation: the artwork stands up to decay. Space is limited to its own construct: it creates its own universe.
The artwork, a depiction of a man and a woman engaged in carnal acts, lie under the bed inside a special box. The box is the ego distilled. The box is where he is really kept, and he feels a sense of superiority when engaging with humans in real life because the humans don’t know about his box so no one can really touch who he is really. This makes him a real person because nobody can alter what’s inside the box.
Each night when he checks he dreads that the nature of the art inside the box will have changed. It doesn’t. The piece from three years ago is still his favourite. The pieces recently fashioned have not been as good as the earlier pieces, but that does not matter because the box exists outside of the rigorous tests and scrutiny of humanity. The piece made three years ago and the piece made two weeks ago are inside the box which is outside because it is outside people and so age does not matter. Here space is compressed, and time is a circle.
Nothing beside remains.
Under the bed is the real room. Under the bed the dust is the only witness, and dust is intrinsically dead, dust is the remnant of a long-shed skin, the reminder that as much as we hate the idea, we are already dead and will soon become that dust which we try to clean away as much as we can. We are the dust, except inside the box when the lid is shut there is no dust. Even if there was, the artwork doesn’t mind. Paper lasts longer than human life if it is stored well. This bed will be here after the patient is dead, because the patient is planning on dying soon. Any day now his death will come to him. No point chasing after something that’s always a lingering thought, a fatherly hand on the shoulder.
The lid goes on the box and it is closed away. The patient closes his eyes and dreams of people fucking. He is one of the people fucking and it feels good because in the dream he doesn’t have to think about time, and space, and death.
I am not the patient. The patient is another possible me. I carry the echo of the ideas that float inside the head of the patient and those who find themselves thinking like the patient on occasion. In the moments when you consider the possibility that nothing is meaningful. The moments where you look at your child and imagine how after they die their body will decay. The moment when you’re eating food and think about what exactly it is you’re doing. When you vomit and see the reality behind the artifice.
The world as we know it is a botched plastic surgery operation. The universe as we know it is incompatible with life itself. In terms of the universe, our existence on Earth is so unimportant that to think too much about it is enough to drive you crazy. The patient had spent most of his time on Earth thinking about it and that is why he was possibly crazy. But it is not the thought that is crazy, it is allowing the insanity of the situation to enter your head that is crazy. You have to be able to shut the monsters out.
The wriggling crawling black shapes with white eyes and no mouths infiltrate every artifice. You talk about depression like a word is enough to summarise it. You talk about depression like it’s an illness that can be cured. But it is not as simple as that. The truth is that depression is the natural result of pure and complete thinking outside of the man-made manacles of time and space restriction.
Without work, we lose the sense of time and space because we no longer have to measure them.
Without time and space, we no longer have any humanity because humanity itself is defined by quantification.
Existing outside of time and space, stripped and bereft of his humanity, the patient is no longer haunted by the wriggling crawling black shapes, for he is one of them.

Thursday, 31 December 2015

Last entry probably

Albums I've Listened To in 2015

It's New Year's Eve and I fucking hate New Year's Eve, with or without people around. Doesn't help that I think the world is better off without me right now so I'm not attending any social things in order to rid the world of my stupidity. Everyone's better off without me, so goes the logic. As much as I'm aware that's probably bollocks, I'm now distracting myself from thinking and decided to do this.

So albums I've listened to or at the very least downloaded in 2015 and not listened to.

*Masks* - Lucifear
Absolutely no idea what this is. Probably during my brief sojourn into witch-house.

The Age of Adz - Sufjan Stevens
Sufjan Stevens has probably been my favourite discovery musically this year. This album in itself is one of the weirder, more overblown ones, but I really like the title track. It goes from a weird electronic mess to something beautiful. I have included it in a playlist and as a result have kind of overplayed it to myself but whatever.

The Alan Lomax Recordings - Fred McDowell
I always find recordings like this strangely weird. Alan Lomax is a musicologist and he found some random blues guy and recorded him. I like the idea of discovering talent and stuff but it's odd the way it's done. Why not give the guy a record deal? Instead Alan Lomax gets to have his name all over this. Anyway, it's blues. Pretty good blues too, for a guy who presumably has no teeth.

Just googled and he actually has teeth.

Alas, I Cannot Swim - Laura Marling
I enjoyed this album over the summer. She was only 18 when she did this shit. The lyrics are cool, some lovely melodies, and overall you can see what a talent she was. I'm not sure how she's become shit now but she was a genius for a while. But as usual, seeing a young person succeed at something makes me feel bollocks. Man, I'm mean.

All Summer Long - The Beach Boys
Downloaded all the Beach Boys stuff for some reason. Have listened to one album: the good one.

Ambient 1: Music for Airports - Brian Eno
It's Eno. Can't go wrong.

And The Circus Leaves Town - Kyuss
Just downloaded their stuff. Stoner rock. Pretty cool. That said, I've only listened to one album, and it isn't this one, so this entire section is a waste of words.

Another Green World - Brian Eno

Apollo - Brian Eno

Axis: Bold as Love - Jimi Hendrix
Pretty cool but the stupid jokey parts at the beginning piss me off. Sounds like something we'd have recorded as a joke but then tossed away for being too unamusing.

Beach Boys' Christmas Album - The Beach Boys
Guessing it's a collection of Beach Boys Christmas songs.

Before and After Science - Brian Eno
Fuck off Eno.

Biophilia - Bjork
Usual Bjork stuff. Think I listened once; wasn't as good as earlier stuff; forgot it immediately

Black Sabbath - Black Sabbath
Pretty sure it was this year I first got into them. Don't remember much about this album, except liking it except the song 'Evil Woman'.

Black Sabbath Vol. 4 - Black Sabbath
Best album of theirs imo. I even like 'Changes'. I feel like I've already grown of them though, for some reason. There's always something a bit special about Ozzy, and I feel like if I listen to them for too long I shall turn into a retard.

Blank Banshee - Blank Banshee
Like most vaporwave, initially thrilling but gets boring halfway through.

Bloom - Beach House
Seemed pretty good. Basic shoegaze stuff.

Blues for the Red Sun - Kyuss
Not sure why I'm including albums I haven't actually listened to yet. It's like I'm saying "I have a varied set of musical choices, honest! I don't just sit around listening to the Zelda soundtrack like some aspie cunt, honest!"

Caress of Steel - Rush
Don't ask.

Carl and the Passions - The Beach Boys
Ok this is the last album I include that I haven't actually listened to. From now on you can assume I have all the Beach Boys' works, as well as Rush.

Carrie and Lowell - Sufjan Stevens 
Album of the year. Got it in March, knew within one listen it was the best album I'd hear this year. Just wonderful. If 'The Only Thing' doesn't move you, then nothing will. Plus my comment is up there on YouTube, so that means I'm a) famous and b) all my musical views about anything are all correct.

Center of the Sun - Samsara Blues Experiment
I vaguely recall hearing this. Was coolish. The name kind of tells you the style.

The Christ Tree - The Trees Community
The only album I think this year I got from /mu/. Bunch of religious folks sitting around singing about God. It's actually very good. I'd describe it as psychedelic folk.

Country Blues - Dock Boggs
More decent blues.

A Creature I Don't Know - Laura Marling
Kind of went over my head to be honest. Some of her albums leap out at you, others don't.

Dangerous Days - Perturbator
This is a great album. Its beginning provided the soundtrack to dark and cold mornings on the way to work, which is why it makes me feel tired and cold listening to it. It's good, though.

Debut - Bjork
Pretty good.

Dr Wonderfull - Dr Wonderfull
Seems like a long time ago somehow.

Extraordinary Machine - Fiona Apple
Probably the most interesting discovery for me in the latter half of the year. I really like the title track, but can't remember much from then on. I'd suggest she has better albums, but I'm not saying this is bad. It's probably good. I want to believe.

Fare Forward Voyagers - John Fahey
This comes from 1974 I think. Excellent guitar work. This sounds like the guitar jams I do, except good. I want to be able to play like this, but never will. I really liked this album, but I can see if you're not into guitar then it wouldn't be as enjoyable.

Finally We Are No One - múm
Yes, that's how their name appears. This is one of my favourite albums I've listened to this year. When  I first listened to it, not sure where's it from - maybe /mu/ again, I remember reading a comment where someone said 'this is what childhood sounds like'. I'm yet to think of a better way to describe it. It's just lovely imo. The texture of bubbles.

Floral Shoppe - Macintosh Plus
Must have first heard this in 2014, but in case I didn't, then... yeah. Anything that needs to be said has been said. My favourite track is the one that sounds like a Windows 95 instruction video. Instrumental one. Track seven I think. I'm slightly embarassed that I still like this stuff, but also fuck it.

For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver
I loved the Bon Iver album, but didn't get along with this one. I can appreciate the songwriting though. I prefer Birdy's cover of Skinny Love over his. Maybe that means I'm becoming a normie.

Gliss Riffer - Dan Deacon
Man, first heard this properly driving to Dean City Farm. That was in January. Fucking ages ago. Apart from that (literally) shitty memory, the album as a whole is great. Took me a while to get it, but I like it now. My favourite track is still Take It To The Max. Needs headphones to appreciate the musicianship and subtle additions to each phrase. It's like listening to Philip Glass if Philip Glass had drunk eight cups of coffee. for some reason the original video was taken down, together with my top comment. This is tragic.

Gunship - Gunship
This really disappointed me. I was expecting awesome and I got pop instead. Fortunately, Dangerous Days made up for it.

I Speak Because I Can - Laura Marling
Can't remember anything about this

The Idler Wheel Is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do - Fiona Apple
Yeah. That title. I kind of loved this album. Could pick any track. This one's pretty much representative of the album. Raw, gruff as fuck. Sardonic. But crucially, there's no self pity, look at me I'm mental stuff. It's just a person being talented. She also has become anorexic as fuck - somehow adds to the glamour :(

Illinois - Sufjan Stevens
First album I heard of his - was fucking blown away. There is so much SIZE in this record, and so many different shifts from style to style... some tracks are thirty seconds, some are ten minutes, but all are beautiful. It's like diving into a universe, listening to this album. The only flaw is that halfway through it gets too much and I end up stopping. Chicago is for the obvious highlight of the album.

In Decay - Com Truise
Pretty good vaporwave/synthwave/outrun whatever the fuck it is. The opening two minutes are like being smacked in the face by the eighties.

In the Beginning - Scott Walker
Okay, before I do the whole list of his albums, I downloaded Scott Walker's discography and tried listening. Hated it from the start.

In The Lonely Hour - Sam Smith
The mainsteam album I'll download and listen to once just in case anyone accuses me of being a hipster. Seriously, this is how I think. From what I can recall, it's pretty nice. Stay With Me is nice, but he overuses the chorus. Should have kept it more restrained.

Interstellar Soundtrack (The Illuminated Star Projection Edition) - Hans Zimmer
Obviously a cool soundtrack. I think he uses organ.

Lazaretto - Jack White
Not bad. Not as obvious in its concept as his previous album. Can barely remember one track. I didn't dislike it, but it hasn't stuck yet. Or maybe it's occured to me that all his music sounds the same.

Les Voix Du Ciel - Charles Trenet
French guy singing French stuff about being French. Made me feel like I want to be a French guy singing French stuff about being French.

Lost In The Dream - The War on Drugs
This, together with the Under the Skin soundtrack, defined my summer holiday playing Fallout: Vegas. I realise, playing Fallout 4, that without new music and/or a summer holiday, the game loses its power. But anyway, the music is a tribute to the style of early Springsteen, which didn't do much for me at first, but upon a second listen, I got it. Anyway, for me the heart of the album is this:

The Magic Whip - Blur
Heard it once, quite liked it, won't listen again. I like the idea that Blur finally won the battle of Britpop, twenty years later.

Master of Reality - Black Sabbath
Yeah, I liked this.

Model Animals - Poulenc
Gave this a listen a couple of nights ago; pleasant.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy - Kanye West
I quite liked the opening two tracks, until a) I realised the only bit I liked was a bit that was sampled for somewhere else and b) I fucking hate rap.

Night Drive - Dunno
Weird sounding vaporwave shit. Like standing in the elevator of a Japanese mall for forty minutes. Quite like it though.

Paranoid - Black Sabbath
The first album of theirs I heard. I liked Planet Caravan, but can't remember much else.

Pet Sounds - The Beach Boys
Obviously a good album.

Please Turn Me Into the Snat - Connan Mockasin
I listened to it once, because I liked the title. Can't remember a fucking thing :\

Post - Bjork
Not bad. Sometimes she seems like a genius, sometimes she seems shit.

Shader - Sacred Tapestry
Completely fucking monged vaporwave.

Sometimes I Sit and Think, and Sometimes I just Sit - Courtney Barnett
Oh man. Forgot about this one. Every time I think current music is worthless, there's no more rock and roll left, and all that bollocks, I remember this album. Fucking love this album, especially Pedestrian at Best.

John Doe 5 months ago
Brilliantly sardonic delivery of the lines. Echoes of the Dylan groan and Patti Smith sneer. Raucous guitar, an old sound but a welcome antidote to the over-technical and over-produced sound of contemporary singles. tl;dr this is fucking awesome.

Songs of Innocence - U2
Listened once. Absolute bollocks. Kind of sad to see a band I once liked turn into mediocre twats, as opposed to interesting twats.

St. Vincent - St. Vincent
Oh yeah, another good album I forgot about. Twisted sound, guitar with electronics. Songs about the digital age, nothingness, kind of stuff I eat up. "If I can't show it, you can't see me." Also she somehow says the word 'yeah' in an awesome way. Try to get over her stupid appearance and dig the music. Dig it, I say, because I'm cool and so in touch with how people in the sixties were.

Stay Gold - First Aid Kit
Very pleasant second album. A Long Time Ago is just lovely.

Taiga - Zola Jesus
Kind of only got this album because of how she looks on the cover. She's never reach the heights of Stridulum II again, unfortunately.

Ten Love Songs - Susanne Sundfor
It's nowhere near as good as The Silicone Veil, but I still quite like it. There's an interesting classical music section in the middle, and the single from the album is nice. The final track has an interesting bassline that's so deep it feels like my whole room is reverberating when I play it. I don't know really. It's like her songs aren't keeping up with her voice, which for me is one of the most beautiful voices I've heard. Plus she's nice looking as well which helps me stay in the whole beta woman-worship thing as opposed to just being someone normal. Fuck I hate myself.

They All Left One By One, They All Left the Radio On - Gimu
I don't even remember, but I remember liking it. This was worth doing.

Tidal - Fiona Apple
I liked it, but haven't listened much. Getting stuck in my ways.

Turbulence - Miami Nights 1984
Pretty good outrun.

Under the Skin Soundtrack - Mica Levi
The one album that really took me places when I was playing Fallout Vegas over summer. The one album that made me feel happy to listen to, because it just sounded so... right. The way it synced with the game was so perfect I couldn't believe that the music hadn't been composed primarily for the purpose of playing a moody post-apocalyptic game. I tried listening to it with Fallout 4 but it couldn't be the same because the moment of synchronicity and discovery was over. New music with a game belongs only to that game, and the trick cannot be repeated.

I find this track extremely moving. In fact, the entire film, the soundtrack, everything, is just me right now. I know this post has been more about me than anything else, but honestly, it's the only time I have been able to write for ages. And you actually listen, or at least don't dismiss me too much. Sometimes you do and that's ok, because ultimately your job is not to save me from myself. I think that's the issue I've always had with relationships - I assume the person I'm with is going to make everything better, and when they don't, I feel detached and disappointed, and repeat the same mistakes as ever. Donna's probably the only girlfriend I had where I wasn't a massive dickhead to her, but it was paradoxically because I never believed she'd make things better for me. Maybe that's all it takes - complete rejection of hope, and expectation, and just enter the world as a grey slate, shorn of emotive ties.

And that takes me to this music. Never quite major, never quite minor - swings between the two, perfectly depicting the scene taking place in the film. This is the music Schoenenberg would have made if he had realised that having twelve tones doesn't mean making a mess. Chromaticism can offer so much, and a track like this shows it. Never quite reaching the right note, and yet - never reaching the wrong one. Just buzzing uneasily between the two. Like everything in the film. Sad, but not enough to actually create feelings beyond disappointment. Love, but not love. This is, for me, the music of my year. Flat, but somehow alive anyway.

Warpaint - Warpaint
Pretty good follow up, although the band as a whole by this stage seemed to have run out of ideas. Played anyway.

The Way - Zack Hemsey
Notable only for the title track, which is an epic piece used in... everything.

Welcome to Sky Valley - Kyuss
Included because it's the one Kyuss album I actually listened to. Really enjoyed it. Stoner rock, just good technical playing.

When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might so When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, Cuz You'll Know That You're Right - Fiona Apple
Hilarious title, can't remember much about the album except I quite liked it.

1000 Forms of Fear - Sia
Another album from way back at the start of the year. For a while this was the only album I listened to. Then I overplayed it and got sick of it. Still, it's excellent. This song is the sound of alcoholism. The weird melody of the chorus was what first brought my attention to the song. 'I want to swing on a chandelier' has the strangest melody ever. It's like it doesn't know how to end itself. I would analyse properly except I can't be arsed now and you're probably not reading anymore anyway.

Plus the girl dancing is strangely hypnotic.

1989 - Taylor Swift
Actually liked this a lot.

Top Ten Albums Listened to in 2015:

1. Carrie and Lowell - Sufjan Stevens
2. Under the Skin Soundtrack - Mica Levi
3. When the Pawn... - Fiona Apple
4. Sometimes I'll Sit and Think, and Sometimes I'll Just Sit - Courtney Barnett
5. Dangerous Days - Perturbator
6. Lost in the Dream - The War on Drugs
7. St. Vincent - St. Vincent
8. Finally We Are No One - mum
9.  1000 Forms of Fear - Sia
10. Alas, I Cannot Swim - Laura Marling

Wednesday, 7 October 2015

last entry is bonkers

but i guess the title of the blog comes into play then

spent the last half hour scraping skin with knife; not sure why - meaningless bollocks, I guess.

Keeping the self centered in a hyposensory crisis - that's my angle anyways.

I miss blogs. This one doesn't count - it's basically a delayed email system.

OK So I Fucking Get It

Holy shit I'm drunk as fuck - nystagmus dominating my present, but it's so worth it...

So I experienced the Joy of Self Harm just now. Been spending all evening trying to deal with emotional response to an upset father... seems a bit meaningless now, because I feel like Einstein... tempted to write this off as some sort of insane thing but actually it's pretty useful, if only for my future self.

There's this kid at school who indulges (indulges? needs) self-harm in order to cope with a situation over which he has no control. The kid who he was once friends with is suddenly no longer his friend, and this boy spends his lunchtimes trying to figure out why... ends up descending into self-harm because ultimately that's the only way to understand what the hell happened...

long story short.

so I put a knife to my foot, and try to pierce it. Doesn't work. Doesn't draw blood. No joy in the pain. It's pain that annoys, no more. Start to think that self-harm is something I will never understand. I then for some reason decide to draw the blade over my leg in a constant motion.

That's the ticket.

It's a hug from a blade.

I'm not going to sugar-coat it: it feels fucking amazing at this moment. I never understood why people self-harmed before: I thought it was to draw attention to themselves, or to form material for songs, but no... holy fucking shit, it was like having an orgasm without the actual orgasm. I haven't felt pleasure like that for fucking years. I felt like Icarus coming close to the sun. It's no lie. It's no exagerration. It felt so good I'm actually aroused just thinking about it again. I'm not holding back here, because it's fucking important...

The blade drawing itself slowly over the skin... it's protective. It's a hug. I will repeat this over and over because that's it. That's my Eureka moment. It's a hug from a blade.

I felt so fucking numb before that happened. Nothing was working. I hit myself on the head - momentary relief. That was taken from Daniel at work. I pinched myself. Same result. I grabbed fabric and it was a temporary resistance. I liked the resistance: use it.

All I can think of is that these kids, especially Ben, need to go to the gym. The equipment has a strength they will never overcome. They need that dominance. I needed that dominance, in that moment. I will be ok, but I am a method actor. I need to experience things in order to understand them. Didn't think I was able to act, but apparently I can. I will survive. I am Gloria Thingy. I am stoic, so don't worry, if you're reading this. This is nothing but a record to myself, but I want you to see. In this moment of temporary vulnerability, I need you to see. Thanks for being my seer.

Girl Anachronism comes on. Suddenly, there is clarity so complete it almost scares me. I think hyposensory issues are responsible for what we call borderline behaviour. What we call depression. Hyposensory issues mean that what we give people is simply not good enough. They need resistance, godamnnit. They need something to fight against and TO LOSE.

This needs emphasis. "She'll burn - the attention just encourages her." They need the defeat. They need to know that it's SAFE TO LOSE. 

Total absence of a parental figure means replacing it with something else that will ensure defeat. We make our children win too much. They need something against which there can never be a victory. Otherwise, if adults always play the role of understanding, the child will wonder where the end is. Where the boundaries lie.

This is choking me up a bit as I write because this shit applies to actual students I work with. I hate how I need to experience their emotions in order to understand them. I don't actually need to hit myself on the head when I feel like shit. My dad is depressed, and lonely, and doesn't understand why his wife rejected him. I'm drunk enough to gain perspective on the situation now. It will be okay. He will get through this. He may die confused, but he will not be unhappy. I think.

This moment made me vulnerable enough to enter into the world of the vulnerable child. Talk about method acting. Spread of action. Meme personality. Copycats everywhere. Are they man or are they Memorex? That was a lyric I had no idea about until it happened irl as I typed.

If this document is worthless, that makes me glad.
If this document is worth even a sliver after bypassing the melodrama, that also makes me glad

At the moment, my painful ways into the psyche of the children is proving successful. Method acting as fuck. But I'm worried for myself. What if I'm a genius, though?

On that road, there was a meeting today in which I said that the methods I proposed for one student proved successful, and as a pisstake, Linda mockingly did a worshipping mime directed my way - hate how I can't tell whether to take that as a massive insult, or a tongue-in-cheek insult.

Wednesday, 2 September 2015


Today we had two seminars from people to do with online safety. One was from some guy who was in charge of the local authority safety.

He showed a slide of a bunch of pictures showing social media. One picture was of the Digg logo. There was no 4chan logo.

He talked on and on about the way kids can access porn and paedos can access shit like Omegle. Everyone in the room is sitting there shocked. "Oh my god - Omegle lets kids talk to total strangers????"

At one point he even said kids sometimes will go on it as a dare to see if they'll come into contact with a paedo.

At this point I realised the only people who actually give a fuck about paedos are adults - kids laugh it off.

Second guy to come in worked for PREVENT, some sort of government thing that works with MI5 to stop terrorism happening in schools. He actually said he was involved in "precrime". Not even kidding. That was what he did. So he's talking, being laid back and funny as fuck, which was actually a surprise. At one point he asks people what springs to mind when they think of terrorism. I say Columbine because I like to think I'm an edgy cunt who brings up school shootings instead of 9/11. He said 'Yeah, more of an American problem but yeah.' He eventually starts saying "well, 9/11 is what we think of" even though no one said it.

Oddly cool though - starts talking about how kids might start getting into conspiracy theories - says stuff like how Bush was a bit of a nutter, and then says "you can't blame them, seeing as in 1962, to encourage a war with Cuba, the US considered bombing themselves and blaming it on Cuba."

MFFW I google that and Operation Northwoods come up. The guy also starts mentioning random organisations - "you guys heard of The 14? Group 88?" and a load more whose names I can't really remember. Oddly cool. Half expected him to bring up The Asian Dawn.

Ultimately he kind of realised his message was just "if the students who you know better than I do start acting weird, call me." I like the idea that if I wanted to, I could actually utter the sentence, "Get me Agent Smith."

although I don't remember what his actual name was

Man - also the other guy was talking about posting on social media and how much shit gets revealed to people. Came home and some cunt from Ipsos Mori was there, asking me questions - hate how easily I let him get a ton of information :S

Man - also I'm considering deleting the stuff I put on LJ. Wonder if maybe it's worth just putting it all behind me. I dunno. I don't know much of anything anymore. Kind of need a mentor tbh, or at the very least someone to make me go do things.