Thursday, 23 August 2012

So Edgy

So yeah. I met some cunt the other day paralysed from the neck down and who couldn't speak.
How do you know he was a cunt if he couldn’t speak?
Well, I asked him how he was and I sat there while he blinked to his missus, who ended up typing out an answer on his computer. The answer was ‘shit because the government won’t let my wife kill me’.
Well, that’s understandable. Marriage is tough.
Yeah but then he kept going with it. Saying that because I was in the room his already shit life had turned even shitter.
He wouldn’t say. Started groaning again. I was all like “well, I’m just here to cheer you up. If you can’t even be arsed to stand up and shake my hand when I enter the room, I can forgive you that. But if you can’t even be arsed to get over yourself then frankly I’m not sure why I bother.”
What did he say to that?
Nothing. His wife fucked off leaving me to sit there in silence with him. But then he sort of gestured for me to interpret his blinks. I typed out what he said. Turns out he was pretty foul mouthed for someone with a major disability. Called me all sorts he did. Course, being as I am a gentleman, I took it on the chin. Wanted to tell him to stop blaming everyone else for his life, that it was his body that had a stroke, not mind, and there was that bloke who wrote a whole novel who was in the same situation.
What, the geezer in The Diving Bell and the Butterfly?
Yeah. To really understand the mindset, I remember watching that whilst under the influence of heroin. Sat there and didn’t move, I did. Understood it completely. That’s what I told this bloke. That he should write a novel. So he did. For an hour we managed to get some writing done.
What did you write?
With the E on the end?
Nah. The word was actually supposed to be ‘thane’ for some reason.
How do you know?
He told me.
Oh right. Not a bad start.
Could’ve been worse. But then I had to go, and you know what he went and fucking did the next day?
I know. Pneumonia.
Even though it’s the middle of summer.
Cunt. Wait. That’s a bit odd.
I know.
Sort of gets you thinking.
About why English plugs are the only plugs in the world with those safety buttons.
Nah. About whether he had a bit of help.
How do you mean?
Bloke gets pneumonia in the middle of summer, right.
Can’t move anywhere.
Someone must have taken him outside for him to get cold.
And then just like, fucking left him there.
And then either forgot about him or left him there until he died like he wanted.
Probably forgot about him to be honest. Can’t have been very good company.
Yeah. To be honest, there’s a silver lining around all this gloom and sadness.
Go on.
If the dead ever rise in a zombie apocalypse, his family should be alright.
Yeah. He’d be the shittest zombie ever. Just be sitting there groaning.
That is true.
Probably wouldn’t even be able to make it out of the grave.
Yeah. Unless as a zombie maybe his body gets over his ailment and he can walk.
Then his family will probably prefer the zombie version of him to the previous version.
Yeah. Until he bites their necks.
Yeah. Unless they get off on it.
I doubt his daughter would get off on her zombie dad biting her neck.
It’s a common thing. They call it the Dracula-Electra Complex.
But he’d be a zombie, not Dracula.
True. Still got the same name though.

Wednesday, 22 August 2012


I've got the shakes. Side effect of the Zoloft. Decided to take a gram's worth of old Mr. Bean to offset the side effects. Ended up in a side alley getting hustled by a chameleon of chemicals going by the name of Randy Rand McRandison. Objectivism in a can, he called it. Absolute knowledge. This shit would blow me up, knock me out, take my ego for not just one ride, but several rides, until I get bored of the ride, but then, as I'm sitting on the ride, gives me like drugs whilst on the ride. Imagine being on a ride whilst sniffing cocaine and speed and alcohol all at the same time. That's how good this stuff was. And Randy gave it me, and in it went, and all of a sudden, I experienced the most viscerally exciting experience of my life since experiencing a Nutella and bacon sandwich. Suddenly I had all the answers.
I decided to run for vice-president and for some reason managed to make the grade.
"No one will help you, especially not me. Vote me in and I will leave you to the dogs. It's for your own good. I'm telling you. Don't believe those Democrats when they tell you things. They sit in their universities telling us about things we don't know about and they act smug because they think they know more than we do. But actually, they don't. I know about life, though. I managed to make it for myself - why can't you?"
The Americans cheered as they realised the man was talking sense. Why vote in someone who would affect their lives? Why have government at all? Why not just forget the whole thing?
"Tell you what," I continued, hopped up on the big O, "Let's just get rid of big government entirely. The Constitution was written by men from three hundred years ago. What did they know about the power of corporate investment, and consumer confidence? Nothing. Washington would clearly have decided that Ayn Rand was a villain. And we all know that's not true. She told it more truthfully than anyone else. Nobody really cares about anyone, only themselves. It took her two years to write that massive speech in Atlas Shrugged by that guy, but I tell you what - it's going to take me less than two years to get rid of the unnecessary welfare system!"
Cheers all round. Then a lone voice spoke up.
"I quite like knowing there's a safety net out there."
"Sure you do. That's because you don't try hard enough. If you put more effort into it, you'd forget about that safety net and just brave it. It's a scary prospect, but, so was riding a bike without safety wheels. You did it in the end though, didn't you?"
"Yeah, but a bike is different to people's lives. If we have the means to help one another in times of need, why not use it?"
"Need is a word used by lazy people to justify their meaningless existences. There are people out there, people like me, hard-working families, who don't stop and think about the meaning of life, who have no time to wonder about silly things like... like... I dunno. Whatever socialists think about."
"Without a socialist system of healthcare, Britain would be in big trouble. Without a socialist system creating jobs, Roosevelt would not have saved America from the Depression. Socialism is a good thing."
"In the short term. In the long term, it's inefficient. Creates a bloated state, without competitiveness. If we can keep things competitive, ultimately this leads to greater quality. Look at the effects a free market health system has had here. People in Britain are paying money to come here and have operations they couldn't have in Britain because Britain's NHS isn't progressing like we are in terms of technology and ideas. And you know why? No one to compete with. Tell a man to run a race in two minutes, he'll get two minutes. Tell a man to run as fast as he can to beat the other guy, he'll do better than two minutes. People aren't intrinsically good. We only do good things if we know there's something in it for us. Socialism is all well and good in theory, but it's not not natural. Humanity is best suited to a money-driven system because, like Rand correctly pointed out, we are all ultimately in it for ourselves. Empathy and morality are simply side effects - indulgences, luxuries that we carry with us, the afterbirth of selfishness. Sure, we slap a label on things that people do as being good, but ultimately nothing is selfless."
"I hear you," said the Socialist carefully. "But consider this: what if, in looking to beat competitors, capitalism misses out on the important details? Yes, a privatised health system has its benefits. It has developed new methods, new systems and new cures. But, with all that, you're still missing one crucial fact. The people. The inefficient, mostly idle people. Believe what you want, but there were 45 million people in America without healthcare. You want to ignore that number? Go ahead. Me, I'm going to try and help those people, even if it  does mean we have to cut back on other things. Sometimes we just need to look around us, slow down, and use a little common sense. I'm all for some aspects of the free market. I agree with you in part about competitiveness. Sometimes I think the NHS might benefit from a degree of privatisation. But then, ask anybody, anyone, in the millions of people in Britain what they think of it, and I bet your life they'll tell you it's a good thing. And you know what? If they don't like, they have the choice to go private. That's the key, sir. They have the choice. You are not giving Americans a choice. You are essentially stopping a tenet of American society in its tracks."

I'm tired. The Socialist ended up losing anyway and Romney won the election.

Sunday, 19 August 2012

usual shite but out of this someday may come a great novel. or not.

well of course i cracked and emailed her. probably get nothing but a frosty reply if i get a reply at all. i almost want her to be mean to me just so it makes it easier to let her go. but she'll probably just not reply,  leaving me feeling even more in the lurch.

it's terrible, i know. this self indulgence. this morbidity, almost celebratory nature of my self-loathing and depression. i suppose all of this extreme focusing on the negative isn't really coming from me - it's just depression looming over me, asking me to do this post, to send that email, to never leave my bed, to avoid everyone because i fear that people don't find me interesting anymore because i'm not part of a couple. i'm that loser again. that 25 year old virgin. but it's worse because i had it. i was there. i had ascended to the level of normality i had never felt, to a level of happiness. perhaps it was a false happiness, but so what? all this shit about needing to be happy within yourself, needing to love yourself first before you can love anyone else - sure, that applies to the 10% of the population who somehow have no hang-ups or neuroses at all, but for the rest of us, if you get lonely, you get fucking lonely, and only other people can fix that.

god - why does depression make me stop using capitals? it's not like i'm dispensing with other modes of punctuation.

i think i need to write about this shit because as long as it's out there and represented in simple words, it becomes easier to handle. if i find myself thinking about something and realise i'd spent two hours writing exactly the same thoughts out a week before, i can kind of start going "well, i've already thought those thoughts, and doing so back then made little difference, and so doing it now won't help either" and maybe in theory then sort of think that i've already done those thoughts and they are no longer needed to be done. it's almost like... when i get into this state, it's as if i'm doing it for someone or something else's benefit. like, maybe i'm still stuck in the behaviour pattern of linking all my thoughts, feelings and actions to her, and so the thought of not thinking about her, of not feeling depressed, scares me more than anything else because it will have meant that i've let go.

in those brief moments i've had in the last month (a whole month already??) where i haven't felt shit, where i've forgotten myself and my preoccupations, i didn't feel happy as such, just momentarily free. then i would remember what i was 'supposed' to be thinking about and then actually feel a strange sort of of guilt for having abandoned those feelings for a while - and it's then almost like i feel the need to make up for lost time for dwelling in an even more intense way than before, by crying in a crazier way than before. it's almost like she's still there, directing my every move and thought and when i try to intervene, i get punished. but painting her like that makes her seem evil, and she wasn't. she just wasn't. that said, i'm not sure who she was really by the end.

man i copy and paste all this stuff about borderline behaviours and i forget about it in three days. every time i take a step forward i take two steps back.

in other news, how the fuck do you manage to get science in civ 5? i'm always shit at it, like discovering Flight in 1941. i play king difficulty. i say difficulty, it's hilarious how the other civs declare war and then you destroy them using superior tactics with inferior numbers. sometimes the AI is a little stupid. Sometimes it isn't. Like, earlier in my game, the Celts took half of my cities, and I was sure I was fucked, but somehow dragged it back. Shit was surprisingly epic.

Hate how long it took me to realise that NOT annihilating all the city states is actually the way to go.

Friday, 17 August 2012

well i managed to have a 'date' with someone else. having just got home i wept buckets. like, fucking buckets. i'm a little tipsy but fuck. i'm weeping because of how much i realise mia meant to me, and how awesome she really was.

this chick faith was nice enough - but kind of rankling, if that's the right word. painful as it is to admit, her being from singapore always made her seem 'foreign', and whilst it was nice enough talking about the differences in people, i hate how obviously i can't ever be with someone who i consider that different to me :\ i wasn't even attracted to her. like, not one little bit. i really doubt she was that into me either - it was nice company to have, she was amusing and clever and what not, but i hate how i assumed from her profile she'd be into existentialism, and pretty much the most cringy moment of the date was when i attempted a compliment that came out entirely wrong:

"i thought by your profile you'd be all deep and serious but"
"i'm sorry to let you down"
".... but.... you're really chilled and funny... and stuff..." but of course by then the damage was done.

that horrible feeling when someone is talking to you who you know by convention you're meant to be feeling desires towards, that you're meant to be in that awesome nervous state where you're staring into each other's eyes and both of you are talking about something but you're also both thinking about something else entirely... that magic... that magic moment when... when mia said "i'd like to kiss you now if that's ok" and it was like a million light bulbs went off in my head...

oh fuck. just fuck you. everything. FUCK YOU.

Tuesday, 14 August 2012

and now it seems she's realised she isn't attracted to men anymore.

probably happened back in january.

sex was apparently "amazing". evidently that was lies too. thanks a fucking lot. starting to realise it was all complete and utter bullshit. all of it.

i need to get away from everyone and everything. i feel completely humiliated.

having said that, the first night i ever met her and we made out, she said "i thought i preferred girls but you're really hot". so actually i guess in a weird way....

i temporarily turned a lesbian straight. that's positive thinking.
okcupid, why am i on you? i don't give a fuck about anyone on it and all i want is a moment or two where i can stop feeling and caring.

oh yeah. the whole 'being a man' thing.

Saturday, 11 August 2012

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Your caregiving nature is drawn to codependent relationship dynamics with friends or lovers who are either handicapped, in crisis, emotionally/sexually underdeveloped, substance addicted or in recovery/rehab. You've unwittingly selected partners whose self-esteem is flagging, or whom in some way need rescuing--or extreme amounts of support or nurturing. Quite often, feelings of boredom or emptiness will prompt phone calls to friends who allow you to fuel/fix them with 'pep talks' or emotional/psychological bolstering, and you feel better afterward. Occasionally, you'll romantically connect with someone who initially shows promise or "potential," only to be disappointed and angry at the end of this relationship, having carried the financial and/or emotional weight for both of you! The subconscious theme that underlies this pairing process is: "If you NEED me, you'll never leave me."

In the rare event a selected lover presents as self-sufficient and non-needy, Caregivers are still compelled to encourage some level of dependency. This can be demonstrated by attempts to subtly undermine a partner's confidence in body image, wardrobe preference, dietary habits, work proficiency, sexual adequacy, etc. Basically, if there's opportunity to create (at least) an illusion of being indispensable and needed, abandonment concerns are averted. This behavior is driven by our subconscious determination to maintain inequity in relationships, for the one who needs the least is always the one in power.
being rejected and ignored by people who still insist they love me

this is what love is

that's just great.

i need a million hugs

It was on a strange morn that i awake to find the loand had turned green and all that was once secure and knoeledgeable had in fact turned to msneaningles sludge and nothing had any relevance to anything whatsoever. I entreated a local pedant as to the whereabouts of my happiness; he stated that hppainess is not only a warm gun, but is in fact a warm vagina. I decided that perhaps it would be best to assusage and demagogue my passionless passion byreverting it to an atavistic state whereupon my brain did not feel the need to engage or enrage in any way whatosover and sio I revcerted to simple pleasures without soul without love or anything deep that the gurus state is important to beingalive. But I am one. Nevertheless. This is the problem with being alive – you always have to prove that you are. Sometimes you feel more alive than anyone else – sometimes you feel absolutely dead. Ironically it is when you think you are alive that you actually are most dead and when you think you are most dead you are actually most alive.

I am currently attempting to face my brains head on, having avoided them for a year or so via what I thought was happiness but perhaps was simply distraction in the hsape of a hot but shallow woman. I feel nothing but hatred for her now, for she used me like a tissue after a wank, but in fact it was also me who used her for personal purposes. She was awesome and perhaps may well function asa friend someday but first I need to neutralize her in my head and reduce her to a prop, like everyone else has. Because that’s all she is. People don’t exist to save me. People don’t exist to make my world better. Htye just exist for themselves. I exist for myself even if I try and convince myself otherwise. Point being that she had a lot in common with me but at the same time was self involved and also had a lot of things not in common. And anyway her mindset was dedicated entirely to herself and she knew it. My mindset was dedicated to everyone bar myself. And you know what, I’m worth focusing on because I’m vaguely interesting.

I’m certainly not over her and I’m certainly far from contentment but I’m reaching a state of gradual self awareness. Awareness that my misery isn’t perhaps deserved. Awareness that misery in itself is a relevant emotion. Awareness that for a time at least I must be allowed to be sad, or at least angry, with the fact that nobody bothered to check up on my psyche once in a while. I exist! Sure, it’s in a neurotic, malformed manner, far short of my potential. But that potential was academic, in both meanings of the word. To be good at something does not mean self realization. Better to be average at something and happy in one’s self than good at something and absolutely miserable. And I’ve spent most of my life feeling miserable with myself. I don’t really know why. First I thought it was because I couldn’t get laid. Then I realized that getting laid only functioned to put off my emotions for a while.

Or maybe it didn’t. maybe the truth is… after I stopped getting laid, I felt depressed again. Fuck.

Or maybe the idea of not getting laid was a general summing up of an overall feeling of exclusion from the human race. I am not special, but I am different. This is not what anyone wants to hear. Unfortunately that is my current reality. And I cant even be different and the same… because she is not there to share my misery. Maybe that’s for the best.

I just want her to be around for me. I need a mother. I don’t need to get laid. I just need a hug from her now and then to let me know that shes thinking of me. Sure, she’s thinking og mf noe wbut I need fo her ot tell me. And ive been typing with my eyes closed for the last minute because I’m drinjk and too depressed to bother looking at what I’[m doing properly.

Thursday, 9 August 2012

the bottomless well

I’ve been wasting my time. It’s like putting water in a leaking radiator. So perhaps the well was no just drying out, but leaking, evaporating, or being used at a higher ratio that it’s being replaced.
This precious water, which is symbolic of compassion, generosity, flattery, time spent, capitulation, or kindness, is fodder to that raging wildfire and there will never be enough water to quench that need or thirst. And over a long period of time I gave for so long and that giving was not reciprocated and my feelings became irrelevant in the relationship. Because I supplied her with so much “water,” my identity became so dependent upon her, that I almost lost my own.

Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Dear Me,

You're not alone. You're wonderful. Someday you'll realise that without having to have someone tell you.

From Bowie.

fucking this.

In the aftermath of this break-up, you could be needing some sort of closure to help you come to grips with his/her sudden departure. You may have tried to initiate dialogues to help you gain some understanding about their swift exit, and mitigate the shame you're feeling after being abruptly discarded. It makes no sense whatsoever, that only hours ago, your Borderline professed their undying love for you--and now you're abandoned and alone!
Unfinished business of this type haunts us, like nothing else can--especially when mass confusion is a part of the mix. If our ex-lover agrees to speak to us, they'll make us believe that we're at fault for their leaving. While it may be true that we made contributions to the relationship upsets--a Borderline has to make it sound as if it was all our doing! They'll typically pick one or two things you did (or didn't do), that forced them to jump ship. This is their trump card, which puts the blame back on you, whenever you confront their mixed messages, infidelities, lies, broken promises/commitments, etc.
This blame-game is actually a transference issue. Their unresolved childhood rage is directed at you--because you're the safer/more convenient target for it. Don't take this stuff personally. It really hasn't much to do with you, even when it sounds perfectly plausible.
Never will a Borderline take ownership of their failings/flaws. Never. Closure allows a meeting of souls, a healing acknowledgment of each person's part in the demise of the relationship, and an opportunity for both to learn from their mistakes. No such thing will ever exist for the Borderline. Oh, you may receive a perfunctory "I'm sorry," but there is never genuine remorse.

When this darker side of your nature gets activated, you'll feel ashamed and guilty afterwards. The Borderline might even add to this, by telling you how deeply you've hurt them (but they're the one who's lit that flame!). Still, this facet of you could have gotten drowned and discarded in childhood, because God knows, you never wanted to be like your abusive parent, who took their anger out on You. No in fact, you wanted to be just the opposite of that.

Closure equals Ego Death to a Borderline. They're so fractured/fragile, they really can't manage any hint of abandonment or loss. They're so full of self-loathing, they can't handle anyone being aware of their shortcomings. Their defenses are deeply entrenched, automatic and reflexive--because they need them to survive. Point out your Borderline's weaknesses, and you might as well drive a stake through their heart--if they can take it in.

whoa..... suddenly it all makes sense

Saving your Life after Loving a Borderline.

By Shari Schreiber, M.A.

You're hurting. You've never felt this excruciating pain before, and you need it to stop. Perhaps she's left you for another--or just abruptly left, and this terrible lack of closure has you confounded. You're constantly replaying each moment of this relationship in your mind, to comprehend why she's suddenly gone--and you keep blaming yourself. It's hard to make sense of these awful feelings, because there could have been times you thought of leaving--but you've patiently hung on, hoping it would get better. Your emotional roller-coaster ride has finally ended, but all you can think about is having her back.
When you're involved with a borderline disordered female, you feel ebullient when things are “good” between you, and miserable when they're not. You might think of her like a drug you can’t live without, because you've felt alive and buoyant when she was attentive, available and loving, and tortured and empty when she was indifferent, detached or cruel. During frequent breakups or periods of distancing, you may have desperately longed for her return, and resorted to elaborate means to re-engage her.
In the wake of this involvement, you're probably obsessing about what she's feeling or doing, who she's screwing--and wondering if she's thinking at all about you. Your emotionally treacherous dance with a borderline girlfriend or wife may be over--but if your feelings of regret, shame and emptiness are so unbearable, that you want her back at any cost, this was written for You.
A man I've known for years once said, "I don't care if somebody manipulates me, as long as I'm having a good time." His statement was really funny to me back then--but it perfectly encapsulates a man's initial experience with a Borderline. Decades later, this guy craves but avoids romantic involvement, because all the women he's ever attached to, have been Borderlines!
Certain aspects or common denominators are present in males who attach to Borderlines. Generally, these are People Pleaser types, who have rescuing or fixing compulsions, self-esteem difficulties from childhood, intimacy issues, engulfment concerns, poor self-image, dysthymia (chronic/long-standing mild to moderate depression), etc. Foundational problems of this kind leave men vulnerable to being seduced and manipulated by these women. You may be extremely accomplished and successful--but the Borderline will methodically learn what's underneath those props, and use your most intimate secrets and self-doubts against you. These involvements derail your trust in women, but also in yourself--which is unfortunately, the worst part of this deal.
Every man's ego takes a jab when a woman leaves--but a Borderline leaves you feeling guilty, ashamed, castrated, unlovable, emasculated, worthless, etc. You start believing that if she returns, you'll be able to get rid of these horrible sensations, and feel okay again. Once in awhile, your rational mind recalls the torment of that affair, and you're not certain you want that part of it again--but anything must be better than what you're feeling now!
This conflict between what you need and want, confuses and intensifies your struggle, because you're hopelessly trapped in yearning for a woman you've sensed isn't healthy for you! Your ambivalence is completely normal--but it adds to your feelings of shame about being out of control and a little 'crazy.' There's a ridiculously simple explanation for all of this; you've been trying to have a functional relationship with a dysfunctional female.
Heaven knows, you're not perfect--but you've overlooked an awful lot, just to keep this woman caring enough to stick around. There have been times that taking care of her feelings and needs was a full time job--but you've gladly taken it on, and tirelessly kept trying to get a few crumbs of loving attention along the way. If you disappointed or let her down in any manner, the character assaults and twisted perceptions of you as an inconsiderate or "selfish" man, made you feel just terrible about yourself. These comments usually came on the heels of the good times, so you began to believe them, which made you try even harder to please her!
You'll keep wanting to blame yourself for this relationship faltering, but this is directly tied to experiences in childhood, which left you with self-esteem wounds. A young child can't make sense of why he isn't getting enough love, affection or support from a parent, and he doesn't even know how to ask for it! He'll try to find reasons for this lack of attention in his head--but the only rationale he can come up with is, it must be his fault; "I must not be good enough, smart enough, cute enough, lovable," etc. You've carried these self-worth injuries into your adult relationships, and now they're alive again. This damage must be repaired, or you'll continue being attracted to Borderlines.
The dangerous, diabolical hook with Borderlines, is they initially come across as genuine, and completely without pretense, guile or disguise. This helps you drop your guard, and makes it easy to trust that their statements to you are real--and they're authentic, integrous individuals. The ease you have felt with them is so natural and wholesome, it seems you've waited for this your whole life! These early behaviors are central to their Seduction Plan; as soon as they sense that you're captivated, you're captured--and these episodes of delicious intimacy become fewer and farther between.
You will never know where you stand with a Borderline, because they're not capable of discerning this for themselves--well, not beyond a few moments or hours at a time, anyway. One minute you're the center of their universe, but before you know it--you're dirt under their feet. You'll continually wrestle with this discrepancy, 'cause you're trying to make sense of it! Don't bother. It's nonsensical, until you start to accept that this is typical BPD behavior.
A borderline disordered female may lure you with explicit sexual imagery, or how much she loves or misses you when you're apart--but never deliver once you're together. Long-distance relationships that are initially cultivated and maintained over the Internet are very common in this regard, and leave men at a loss, as to why those enticing promises aren't fulfilled. If she has Waif features, she may explain that she thinks you should 'wait' until you marry, which can have you believing you've found a virtuous girl, and respecting her wishes--but what's happened to that sexy vamp who seduced you in the first place?? You might be willing to accommodate this bait and switch routine, but give serious weight to this disparity between her words and actions--and let it be a warning flag of what's to follow! The Waif may also use physical ailments as excuses to leave you hanging out to dry--and there you sit, with your dick in your hand.
Borderlines can leave solid, long-term attachments/marriages very suddenly. You'll be feeling shocked and bewildered by this--particularly when she cites frustrations or problems you were never made aware of, to justify her abrupt departure. You might vacillate between numbness and tormenting confusion, but what's even worse, is she'll have you thinking you're responsible for this outcome! When you've done virtually everything to keep her satisfied and happy throughout this relationship (which has included putting your personal needs and desires aside to accommodate hers), you're left only with a sense of sheer exhaustion, painful craving and deep betrayal.
You cannot help agonizing over how she could leave--given all the times she told you this was the "best sex" she'd ever had, how much she needed you, and that she could never even imagine living without you! You've believed you were the center of her universe, and it was finally safe to let your guard down, and trust that she was here to stay. Losing a Borderline is like being in a hit-and-run accident. You're in trauma, and she speeds away without a moment's consideration for the carnage she's left behind. That's brutality!

With respect to her rebounding, you'll be on high-alert as to how long she's staying with the next guy. This is torturous to you, because if she manages to remain a bit longer than you think she should (based on the literature you might have read) you'll be driving yourself crazy with self-doubts and shame. A Borderline always leaves you feeling shameful, because she makes you believe you're the one at fault for this thing not working. A long-held rotten leftover from your boyhood might be; "If I feel bad in a relationship, it must be my fault," but it's time to throw it out!!! Every male who's gone through what you're going through right now, lugs around old/deep self-worth issues from childhood, and this erroneous belief is simply a part of that.
Borderlines are narcissistic--but you've also observed other problems, like; desperate attempts to gain attention, intense/irrational abandonment fears, lack of empathy, extreme jealousy, lying, poor impulse control, extramarital affairs, drug/alcohol abuse, hypersexuality, 'crazy-making' interactions, low self-esteem, rebound relationships, passive-aggression, cognitive distortion, self-harming behaviors, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, stalking, etc. In truth, a panoply of pathologies may be associated with borderline disorder, and Histrionic Personality Disorder is just one of these.
You might have perceived a bit of 'craziness' early on, when she'd become disproportionately volatile about minor issues that were troublesome to her. When she shared stories about (vilified) former boyfriends or lovers, you felt honored to be privy to these intimate revelations, while assuring yourself it would be different with you; why not--you're one of the 'good guys!' During these storytellings, you were made to feel exceptional, heroic and uniquely unlike all the others. The way she hung on your every word, gazed into your eyes, touched you and wanted you, was beyond anything you'd experienced before, and you felt privileged to have found her. Basically, you were on top of the world--and could never have imagined falling off.
If you've dabbled in drugs, loving a Borderline is like chasing after your first hit of Cocaine, and trying to recapture that initial 'rush' the rest of the night. In the early stages of this relationship (the Honeymoon), you felt hopelessly captivated, and intrigued with her intensity. A novel sense of contentment, wholeness or 'finally arriving,' became part of your everyday experience. The sensations she engendered in you, had only existed in vague fantasies--no matter how many close encounters there had been with other females. This might be the first time you'd gotten really intimate with someone, and felt like you were worthy of such a prize--especially if you struggled with self-esteem issues, earlier in life. Did you learn to love pain as a boy, in order to adapt to and survive it? Abuse by a Borderline is literally a heart attack.
Self-worth difficulties could have drawn you to this type of woman, and kept you ensnared beyond all instinct and reason. They could have allowed you to tolerate/accept her abusive or distancing behaviors, way beyond what you've known was reasonable or right for you. She's irresistibly seductive, and may be the most exquisitely beautiful creature you have ever been with--so any notion of walking away when the going got tough, seemed inconceivable. If you're relatively inexperienced in the realm of ongoing, intimate relations, you might naturally assume "all women are like that," but they're not!!!
In direct contrast to the instability you've observed in this woman, there are times you've glimpsed what appears to be her wisdom, her spirituality and her incredible knack for stating things that make her sound like an absolute authority on health/well-being. Borderlines are often plagiarists or copycats. They may have read a plethora of self-help books along their way, that have helped them assemble their broken shards of ceramic into a mosaic of sorts, that resembles a whole/definable image. They have the remarkable capacity to mimic or parrot information they've read or heard--which helps you regard them as healthy and sane. This characteristic is particularly common among Borderlines in the "helping" professions--which amps up the volume on your ambivalence and confusion about these women. The primary issue with their Guru Complex, is they can talk the talk--but there's no way they can walk it! That would require integrity, which is a by-product of moral development.
Borderlines have an uncanny ability to paint themselves into corners legally, financially, professionally or interpersonally--and then attempt to make You responsible for the consequences of those choices! It's impossible to make them see that their impulsivity brought about this peril, and it's payback for their short-sighted behavior. Allow them to enter adulthood. Resist the urge to bail them out.
three year old to comprehend, and rationally respond to the issues at hand. Just when you've worked up the courage to approach a sensitive topic, she deftly diverts the dialogue by starting a fight, or accusing you of not loving her, caring about her feelings, wanting her, etc. At this point, tremendous time and energy is spent consoling/reassuring her, and reinforcing how much you really care! The inevitable upshot? Your original concern is successfully deflected, and any hope for resolution is abandoned. You may adore a child, but you can't have an interdependent adult relationship with one.
The Borderline's duality generally exacerbates this deflection issue. She may bully you--but the very moment you fight back, she can shape-shift into her (victimized) "poor me" role, and make you out to be the monster! You will wrestle with this time and time again--because she's typically the instigator, but you can never make her see it, or own it. Change cannot occur, because a borderline disordered person doesn't experience remorse--and when there's no genuine remorse, there can be no emotional growth or healing.
Regardless of how proficient or successful she is in her professional sphere, issues of an emotional nature make you feel like you're dealing with a little girl, who's living inside a woman's body--and this continually perplexes you! Just know that your perceptions are extremely accurate, and developmental arrest is the culprit behind this odd incongruency.
Borderlines are ignorant about men, and human nature in general. They fear that if they let you feel good about yourself, you'll leave them for somebody better! Such is the extent of their insecurity and abandonment terror.
Giving love and affection to a Borderline is like trying to fill a well that has a huge fracture at the bottom; she simply cannot hold it. In truth, you've had to constantly assure her of your devotion all along--but no matter how much you have, she just can't seem to integrate it. A three year old sees his/her world in a black or white sort of way. They think that you either love them or hate them, based on your facial expressions, tone of voice and behaviors. As they haven't yet developed the capacity for mood regulation, they'll react to the slightest frustration or disappointment, by hating you! As soon as their immediate upset passes, they revert to loving you again. Their feelings and perceptions of you can shift on a dime; within the vernacular of borderline pathology, this love you/hate you phenomenon is referred to as 'splitting.'
You'll likely hear this question posed in slightly different ways by your soon-to-be-X-Borderline. Take a moment here, and ask yourself what friendship means to you, and if you've ever been treated with such disrespect, lack of concern and dishonesty in any relationship you've come to regard as one you could trust. Friends aren't just acquaintances--these are folks we've learned (over time) we can rely on, to have our back, as we have theirs. "A friend in need, is a friend indeed" is a truism--unless you've been broad-sided by a Borderline! The BPD Waif tries to keep you around to meet every little need she has, no matter how inconvenient it might be for you drop everything in your world, to respond to her frantic outreach--be it the middle of the night, or otherwise. The unfortunate truth here is, this has never been a reciprocal relationship--and it ain't about to become one now. If your fixing/rescuing compulsions are so deeply entrenched, that you're bound and determined to dangle on the sidelines as her emergency life-support unit, you're signing up for even more destructive, debilitating times up ahead, and you're a chump. You have been duly warned. Proceed at your own great peril.
If you're the one wanting to maintain this connection--in spite of all the pain this gal has caused you, you're only trying to escape the toxic shame you're experiencing in the aftermath of that relationship, and understandably trying to bandage your ego. If you think this female can't be seriously wounding to you when sex isn't part of your dynamic anymore, you're kidding yourself!
I'm now going to debunk some myths about Borderlines: First, they won't all behave identically. You might assume that certain patterns you've heard or read about can be anticipated with every Borderline--but it just isn't true. For one; after an upset or break-up, her return is not chiseled in stone! It's likely she'll come around when she wants or needs something from you, but this is only when it suits her--which could take weeks, months or years.
Second, Borderlines can make tangible progress with solid therapeutic help, but you may have a better shot at flying to the moon strapped to a banana, than keeping them in treatment long enough, to accomplish any real growth or healing. Don't forget--they're terrified of attaching, and relying on anyone for their care. They'll act-out by devaluing the therapist, acting belligerent or picking fights, being non-compliant and/or seductive, missing appointments, rescheduling at the last minute, or lying in effort to control the therapeutic relationship. Week to week, the therapist hears them diminish you or glorify you, and this splitting reflex (of course) happens continuously.
Third, no matter how much you try to please her or love her better, you're in for a rocky ride. Borderlines can be attracted to narcissistic or abusive men, because of poor self-image and attachment fears: What could be safer, than trying to get someone to love you, who's incapable of loving? The more you demonstrate that she's lovable, the more disdain she feels toward you. It's kind of like that old saying; "I wouldn't want to join a club that would have me as a member," holds true here. You can't be someone you're not, just to keep this woman interested in you--but your need to be who she needs you to be, is deeply rooted in boyhood!!!
Fourth, when you're imagining that she's feeling exactly like you are, stop it! There are times you'll show up on her radar, and times you won't--no matter how much history you've shared. An individual who lives with psychosis does not have the same feelings or emotional responses as you. To presume that they do, is unrealistic thinking, narcissistic and potentially very dangerous.
Fifth, if you're thinking you need her to suffer like you have--and that being seen with someone new will make her want you again, watch your back! This is an extremely hazardous game you're about to play, regardless of whether or not she's left you for a rebound relationship. Dating a new woman? Keep a low profile, and put your car in the garage! Is this fair? No, but it's safer.
Sixth, if you're reflexively making yourself "wrong" for conjuring up all sorts of terrible fates befalling her, ease-up on yourself! Your anger is appropriate under these circumstances, and it's an activating emotion--which gives you temporary respite from this dreadful depression. Rage is a normal aspect of your healing process, but try to hold these feelings without self-judgment, rather than acting on them (unless you wanna do some push-ups). In other words, express this energy in ways that won't harm you, or anyone else.
Seventh, if she calls or "checks in" to see how you're doing in the aftermath of this relationship, it's never about you! Your needs didn't matter while she was with you, and they don't matter now. You may feel grateful she seems to care enough to keep the connection alive--but her sole purpose is keeping you around to meet her needs (no matter what she says to the contrary). A three year old hasn't developed any capacity for empathy (that comes much later on), so don't presume that she's calling for your sake.
Eighth, no matter who left whom, emotional cut-off is second nature to this woman. It's natural for you to wonder if she ever really loved you, or meant the things she said while you were together--particularly if she's diminishing you or your importance to her, now. Was she "faking it?" No, but you must understand, this is part of that splitting reflex described above, and just one of the survival tools she's carried since infancy. You cannot fix this.
Ninth, the minute you make contact with her, you're giving away your power. No matter what you think you need to say to this female, these dialogues will leave you feeling worse, not better. You may compulsively replay these conversations in your head afterwards, and think you did a really good job--but it won't be long before you're doubting it, and torturing yourself. Do not intercept her calls; if you decide to return them, do it when you're feeling more centered, and it's easy/convenient for you. Don't reply to any emails or text messages, and do not respond to her "emergencies!" It won't win her back, or make her think more highly of you. Besides, the crisis will blow over very shortly; by the time you get back to her, she's onto something else. It's best if you don't hear her voicemails, or read what she sends. Doing so, only prolongs your pain. Delete, delete, delete!!!
Tenth, Borderlines don't change, because they don't have to! Her great looks and captivating charms continually allow her to seduce men, which feeds her narcissism. Your ego's taken a serious beating, so you probably can't believe this right now--but you deserve better.
Eleventh, if you're fairly certain she's rebounding with someone who's better looking, wealthier, brighter, taller, more loving, etc., in most instances, this is a totally erroneous assumption! It's unlikely you'll accept this at present, but she's more prone to choosing an easier mark the next time around--even if it's a fellow who feels stuck in an unfulfilling marriage. In truth, most men are utterly shocked when they finally discover who she's deserted them for. This relentless preoccupation with who the other guy is, taps into childhood deficits that undermined your self-worth. If you grew up with a dad who was narcissistic, tyrannical, weak/sickly--or wasn't around much, there's a strong likelihood that his needs superceded yours--at least, where your mom was concerned. In short, you've had to compete for a woman's attention and love your entire life. It is this aspect that allows you to take her back, after each sexual betrayal with another man--regardless of how castrating it feels.
Twelfth, stop assuming that this female is the keeper of your pleasure and pain! You are the sole proprietor of these sensations; in short, they belong entirely to you--not to her. You might be inclined to credit her for bringing these intense feelings into your life, but they've been inside you all along, since you were born--she's simply awakened them. In a sense, you've been sleepwalking since childhood, when you had to discard certain emotions your parents treated as unacceptable, or "bad."
Thirteenth, and perhaps most important: There will be moments where she'll seem rational and lucid--both while you're with her, and after the break-up. These episodes have insidiously kept you in this destructive relationship, by fueling your capacity to overlook, trivialize or normalize abnormal behaviors. These phases are very transient/fleeting--but they've indulged your fantasy that this lover is really whole, or sane. Watch out for this one!!!
Fourteenth, Borderlines lacked a healthy symbiotic bond in infancy with their birth mothers, which is the core of this difficulty. You may have sensed that she's wanted/needed you to be a mind reader or Mommy, when these primal needs got displaced onto you--but no male on God's green earth is equipped to take on these roles, or heal the archaic issues that drive her demands.
Fifteenth, Borderlines do not "get better" with age! Rereference my mid-life paragraph above. While some of their acting-out behaviors can mitigate over time, these generally transmute into other issues--unless there's been solid therapeutic intervention along the way; the Witch or Queen Borderline could adopt Hermit or Waif traits, for instance. We're not as aware of these folks, because they're no longer out 'trolling' in Our World. Have you ever noticed disheveled old people who are living on the street, begging, acting crazy and muttering to themselves? You're observing Borderline pathology in the aged, and/or more severe mental disorders, such as Schizophrenia.
Sixteenth, don't fall into the trap of thinking you can construct a relationship with a "high-functioning" Borderline. They may be adept in their professional life, and far too many are psychotherapists--but their romantic partnerships suffer the same come-here/go-away interpersonal dynamics, as all the rest! Sure, they're exceptionally bright and capable--but emotionally undercooked and damaged. As hard as it is to believe, these may be the most diabolical and wounding relationships. Why? They're brilliant at making you think that you're the one who's defective and nuts!
Hundreds of men have asked me why Borderlines are "so darned seductive." Are you by chance, a fisherman? Have you ever experienced a time when you were successful at fishing, without baiting the hook?? A Borderline's 'bait' is impossible to resist. She's usually beautiful, alluring, charismatic, sexy, etc.
Borderlines lie, or fabricate and embellish the truth. That's what they do, to defend against their insecurities, and make you see them as more worthy of your love/desire. Your instincts might have alerted you to this facet, and you may have brushed them aside, or decided they were insignificant--but could you ever really trust her?
This woman could make self-aggrandizing statements concerning her appeal or allure to other males. She may tell you about men who've flirted with her during an event or outing when you weren't nearby--or she'll often reference a boss, friend or co-worker who's "got a thing" for her. This is a manipulation that's designed to cover several bases--but it's mainly about control.
First, it's a distancing technique that keeps you on edge--meaning, uneasy and off-kilter (the better to control you with, my dear). It's great sport for her to seduce you back--especially after she's angered you (make up sex is hotter). Her comments are nothing short of emasculating--and a conscious, sound female doesn't do that to someone she loves! Rubbing your nose in this stuff (whether true or not) is the equivalent of lopping off your balls. You'll resist feeling small and insignificant--but she generally hits her mark. Second, this behavior triggers your competitive reflex, because boyhood self-esteem issues get activated (along with abandonment concerns), and you're compelled to do something about that! This can take the form of buying her costly gifts, fawning over her, taking her on elaborate trips/vacations, etc. Her diabolical maneuvers are designed to make you feel insecure/unworthy, view her as more valuable than she sees herself, and manipulate your desire and emotions. That's just the beginning--but bottom line, we need to build your self-worth, so you're not susceptible to this crap in the first place.
Given that most Borderlines are exceptionally bright, they're usually capable of convincing you that it's your fault or shortcoming, which has ruptured this relationship. Did you ever buy into this--even when overwhelming evidence was stacked against her argument, and you were unequivocally certain she was wrong? Her brilliant (but twisted) logic and verbal dexterity could distort facts and details, to where her perceptions often made sense--even if she completely contradicted herself, from one hour to the next! You might have doubted yourself at these times, and questioned if you were going insane. These feelings were directly related to spending time with someone whose psychic/emotional balance is profoundly unstable, to say the least.
Years ago, I worked with a client who steadily eroded her lover's self-worth. He was a good guy, but she'd beat him up emotionally and psychically every single day--and told him she wanted him out. When he finally complied and left, she frantically tried to get him to come back. When I pointed out that she'd pushed him out the door--which is what she'd always said she wanted, she stormed out of my office, yelling "this isn't my fault" and never returned.
This was clearly an error in judgment on my part--but in my defense, I knew absolutely nothing about borderline pathology back then. Still, I often regret the lack of education and preparedness that may have helped at the time.
Once she's kicked you out or you've managed to leave, her attempts to lure you back again, could become pitifully desperate/hysterical--she might even threaten to KILL herself, if you don't return! This is the ultimate emotional blackmail, which could be used to influence your behavior--but resist feeling flattered. These frantic measures are very primitive reflexes that are being triggered by overwhelming needs, which have nothing to do with you! If your chaos has reached this point, urge her to see a mental health professional.
Yes of course, you'll feel sorry for her! She'll tug relentlessly at your heart-strings when she's sobbing and telling you how empty, alone, desperate and sad she is, and you'll feel compelled to offer solace and comfort, but don't. Given your childhood programming, it's far easier for you to feel compassion for another, than for Yourself--and we definitely need this energy focused on you growing stronger and healthier. She will survive. She always has.
While she provides a lovely distraction from your own pain and emptiness, the moment her current crisis blows over, she'll revert again to that rageful, crazy-making gal you've known all along--and you're back out in the cold.
The Borderline's mixed messages keep you confused and off-center. It's not that they do this stuff deliberately, but their distorted perceptions and labile moods make you feel like a horse, who's constantly having his reins jerked right and left, to where he's overwhelmed and paralyzed--or furious enough to buck that rider off his back! You're damned when you react, because the Borderline seizes this as an excuse to sanction her punishing or abandoning behaviors--and you're damned when you don't, because you're forced to flee your disquieting ambivalence about remaining or leaving, with alcohol/drug abuse, working longer hours, overeating, etc., just to cope!
Borderlines can turn good men into monsters. They'll steadily erode your self-worth with subtle/snide comments and other passive maneuvers, even if their words can't be identified as wounding or cruel. Their delivery and tone will make you feel infantalized--as if she's the critical parent, and you're the little kid, who's done something terribly wrong. She's masterful at shaming you--and the saddest part is, you keep buying into it! Some men are actually moved to violence in these relationships--even if aggression is completely foreign to their natures.
You'll feel compelled to stick around, no matter how abusive or diminishing she is to you. This is directly tied to an issue called 'learned helplessness' you acquired as a boy--and it's left you with masochistic tendencies:
A lover who's elusive, cruel, or just emotionally and/or physically unavailable can trigger painful sensations that replicate what you may have experienced as a child, seeking a loving/responsive parent. This emotionally inadequate, yet dramatically felt kind of episode functions as a powerful catalyst, that inspires a tenacious (and vaguely familiar) pursuit to seduce this object of desire into reciprocating your attention and ardor. Since the intense feelings that are invoked by such a relationship are compelling/addictive, somebody who awakens them, is addictive as well. In the rare event an attachment is successfully formed, rejection by your lover can set in motion an internal re-enactment of childhood abandonment struggles, and drudge up excruciating feelings of inadequacy and shame, which are almost impossible to tolerate! Punishment of the Self (compulsive, addictive reflexes or destructive acting-out behavior) usually accompanies or follows this kind of setback.
Think that therapeutic professionals are immune to Borderlines? Think again. Dialogues with personality disordered individuals leave us all feeling like we need a shower to wash off the toxic sludge their devaluations and guilt trips leave behind. The quicker you end all contact, the better.
Control issues may have kept you in this game far longer than you should've stayed, but skirmishes with the Borderline are always a no-win proposition. No matter how brilliant/bright you are, you'll never get the upper hand with this female. Frustrating challenges might taunt you to keep trying, but this reflex is usually tied to early life events that helped you feel more valued or in-charge, and fueled a false sense of self-worth. Boyhood experiences such as mediating when your parent's argued--or comforting Mom when she was upset/depressed, could have cemented your rescuing fantasies. Altering your mother's mood or your folk's interactions could have helped you gain a sense of mastery/control in your family environment, which has naturally influenced all adult dynamics--but a harmonious/loving relationship with a Borderline is rarely possible, which can be very costly to your mental and physical health.
The continuous stress of emotional/psychological warfare affects the human condition more than physical abuse, and some men develop serious ailments during their time in these relationships. Prostate problems, heart conditions, blood disorders, herpes breakouts, migraine headaches and glaucoma are a few of the souvenirs men have retained from these relationships--regardless of how physically powerful they were, before they met the Borderline! One of my ex's was married to a borderline disordered female for twelve years. He's now suffering with a form of Parkinson's Disease--and just trying to survive.
By the time she's done with you, you could feel like a shadow of your former self--an empty shell of a man. The Borderline is an emotional vampire; she steadily wears you down with constant brainwashing and drains your vitality. Her skewed perceptions make you feel as if you're viewing yourself in a Fun House mirror, and you begin thinking that this distorted reflection of you is accurate! You've been in survival mode--now you can begin to mend.

Every male who has attached to a Borderline has great difficulty accepting that he's adored someone who has psychotic characteristics--no matter how pronounced her disturbing behaviors have been! They all compulsively want "unequivocal proof" that this woman is crazy, or even dangerously unstable. Resistance is understandable, as acceptance involves confronting intricate layers of conflict within one's own psyche; the most prominent layer of this emotional lasagna is shame. Entrenched denial of the borderline's pathology allows a man to side-step asking himself, "if I'm hopelessly enamored with an individual who isn't healthy or sane, what's wrong with me?" This shame response is the leftover from childhood that inspires his need to normalize bizarre behaviors while in this relationship, rather than recognizing them as aberrant, and getting the hell out! The roots of this attraction are deep and started so early in life, that it's almost impossible to avoid the Borderline's noxious allure. Certain men's boyhoods were punctuated with distressing or painful experiences that left behind a relational blueprint, which has strongly influenced self-worth and partner selection. This archaic blueprint continues to undermine all relationship endeavors, not just romantic ones--and curtails productive, healthy personal and professional alliances.
This excerpt is borrowed from my male borderline piece. It may provide more insight as to why this gal has gotten under your skin, for we typically choose romantic partners who echo traits of the parent with whom we had the most issues, in childhood: A man who was raised by a volatile, violent father and passive/victim mother, will likely settle on partners who have his father's traits, while adopting the mother's passivity as his own. Since she's elicited his sympathy and concern, she's the parent with whom he can identify (and is the lesser of two evils, in fact). Childhood beatings do not in themselves, spawn Borderline pathology. The roots of this disorder involve betrayal by an adult caregiver, who fails to protect a child from harm, or another's cruelty. Perhaps performer Michael Jackson was a tragic victim of this upbringing.
Again, when you've deeply fallen for a Borderline, you could come away from this experience having lost your trust in women--but also, in yourself. In my view, this is the most tragic consequence of these relationships. Everything you've grown up believing that you should want in a female, has come into question during the time it has taken you to survive and recover from, this emotionally wrenching affair. Along similar lines of a post-traumatic stress disorder, you are no longer able to feel confident, that your perceptions and instincts will serve and protect you. In short, you're left with considerable scars--and while your head might tell you that not all women are going to wreak such havoc, your heart is never again quite sure. Later on in life, you might be willing to take another risk, but hurtful memories start to replay each time you contemplate loving again--and you could talk yourself out of it, before you've even begun. Part of this pain that's remaining is primitive, meaning it touches on very old/deep layers within you from childhood; why else would you have such difficulty getting close to someone again?
There is nothing wrong with determining you're not up to the task of loving again--but be fair to the people you're dating, and be honest about it at the start! Otherwise, you're doing to someone else, what was done to you.
The greatest difficulty you may have after this relationship blows apart, is that when you're unresponsive to her or you've distanced yourself, you feel guilty. When she neglects or rejects you, you feel tremendous shame. Both of these sensations are deeply troubling--which causes substantial conflict within. In truth, these feelings have been living inside of you since boyhood, which is why they feel so loaded or emotionally charged. Unfortunately, they also trap you in a state of limbo, because it feels bad to stay connected, yet bad to cut it off. With a little help, this issue can be resolved.
Love is an ever-expanding sense of trust in another, along with admiration and respect for their character, attributes and qualities. The feelings you've had for this woman aren't actually "Love," they're infatuation, addiction and obsession. Using this word in reference to her, keeps you trapped in painful yearning--so try and drop it from your vocabulary. You were understandably inebriated with how her attention helped you feel about Yourself, but real love is neither painful nor obsessional. Pain could have become associated and confused with loving throughout your childhood--but it's the antithesis of consistently stable, nourishing relationships.

Copyright © 2004 - 2012, Shari Schreiber, M.A. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, 7 August 2012

The E-mail That Was Probably Deleted Before She Bothered Reading

Ok well if you couldn't even summon up the courage to reply then I get the hint. I can't blame you for not wanting to be with me: I'm a passive aggressive 'nice guy' who at the moment isn't emotionally what you need right now and that's totally understandable. But at least be honest about it when you say you don't want even to be friends anymore. I don't think I deserved to be snubbed so completely - I don't think I was that much of a massive cunt to you to be cut off and forgotten. You do realise other people have feelings too, right? That when I feel bad, my feelings matter, and that pretending I never existed is the coward's way out?

I'll try my best to go along with this pretense that we never happened - I'll create the image in my head of you as a heartless bitch just so I can dismiss you like you've dismissed me. I know it isn't true but I'll do it anyway. I've recently been put on Zoloft and I'm going to be in therapy to try and work out the shit in my head - shit that clearly had an effect on you too, and I'm sorry for that. I wish you could at least have expressed honestly what bugged you so much about me. Yes, you can pretend it was all you and that I was perfect but we both know that's not true otherwise you wouldn't have left. I know I'm weak, clingy, unsociable, and frankly rather boring - and I guess that was what I thought you didn't mind too much about me, but I guess in the end it just grated. And that's ok. These things are what I'm trying to work on, for myself.

I'm sorry that I'm typing so much, and I don't even expect you to reply - perhaps you'll just reply with 'leave me alone'. I guess I'm just angry with the fact that you didn't let me ever express how I felt, and now I'm telling you, even if you don't want to bother reading it. You really, really hurt me.

I've just come back from Matt's house, and did LSD with him and his girlfriend. Having had a massive anxiety attack at a party, we walked out and I spilled everything I was feeling about myself. With you, I would never have been allowed to spill everything out in such a way, because in your head, I was the guy you first met who didn't appear to have any problems, and what you called love at the time was simply fascination and idealisation. The thought of me, a man, having flaws like that was something you weren't willing to handle. You are incredibly self-centered. Our relationship revolved around your feelings. Whatever I felt was shoved aside. The moment I confided in you that I felt bad, you let me go because you couldn't cope with that. And I suppose in the end... it was that that was the problem, nothing else.

I'm sorry. I'm just trying to decide in my head if you were lying to me the whole time, insincerely declaring love whilst simply enjoying the status of having a boyfriend or whether you were always genuine and just wanted to focus on yourself. I know you want to let me go... and I want to let you go too - I just think maybe I need a little closure. But in the end if I ever did send this to you I wouldn't get an answer... or the answer I did get would only make me hurt even more.

You were one of the best friends I've ever had. And I really, really miss you. But you're also a two-faced bitch. So go fuck yourself.

Thursday, 2 August 2012

VP and DC

Hi Vlad.
How are things going?
Not bad.
So... about the whole Syria thing.
It’s... not great, is it?
I wouldn’t say that.
How what?
How can you say that?
Well, the terrorist threats to the government are being dealt with adequately.
The terrorist threats?
The people rising up?
The government says they’re terrorists, so they’re terrorists.
Maybe the government themselves are the terrorists and the people are right to rise up.
No. As a government minister, how would you feel if your people started attacking you?
Well, if I had implemented harsh measures and imprisoned and tortured people for speaking out against me, I think I would deserve everything I got.
But they didn’t.
But the evidence is clear. People are being imprisoned wrongly.
People speaking out against their government are committing treason.
But... if treason is the name you want to put on an act of defiance, in the name of freedom, then...
Yes. It’s treason. And treason should be punished.
Why? Why stop people from being free?
Nobody’s stopping anyone from being free. Freedom is the ability to live in a civil society without fear. Freedom is not having corporations mistreating you every day. Freedom is not drinking yourself to death because the job you’ve been given is unfair. Freedom is walking the streets and not being afraid of crime. Look at your people. Do your people love you?
I wouldn’t say so, but...
Because... it’s not the government’s job to be liked.
What is your job then?
Our job is to give people the freedom to pick a party that they can get along with.
The turnout for your elections are pitifully small. Do you think people care that much about you? They care a lot about me.
You know what, Vlad?
If you say what’s on your mind, I will make sure your country goes into blackout for the next ten years.
You know what, Vlad? I really enjoy having these discussions. You’re right. We’re so miserable in the West. Everyone’s on anti-depressants. There’s no more religion, so everyone’s walking around in spiritual crisis. There’s freedom – but there’s too much freedom. People spend their nights getting drunk alone because they aren’t told what to do.
This is why Yeltsin was hated. Because he advocated getting drunk. He had no balls.
I suppose you’re right. What do you suggest I do to make people happier?
Stop them from thinking. Force them into a pre-defined role. Be a teacher. A guide. They don’t know anything. You’re the educated one. You’re the one in charge. You need to be a real man. Be assertive. Don’t get bullied by people who haven’t got any GCSE’s. Don’t give these idiots handouts. Where were you educated?
Eton. And you spend your time worrying about what an imbecile living on the dole thinks about you? You can’t make the people love you. Nobody can. Abe Lincoln knew that. Didn’t stop him getting shot. What do you do? You force them to love you. Control them. If a shepherd were to give his sheep ballot papers giving them the choice between being free and having him in charge, what do you think they’d do?
Vote to be free?
No, you fucking idiot. Sheep don’t know how to vote. They can’t even pick up a pen.
Oh. I’m starting to understand. Your policy is a right-of-centre, neo-libertarian –
You still don’t understand, do you? There are no policies.
So what is your job?
My job?
Yes. What’s the point of you?
To be in charge of Russia.
For what reason?
To make people... like me.
How’s that going?
It’s going great, thank you very much. Last poll had my approval ratings at 99%. Then I corrected it to 100% and shot the guy who’d given me the other poll.
Only kidding. It’s about 66%. And yours?
Let’s move on. Tell me about Pussy Riot.
That band who protested against you and who you locked up in jail.
You’re denying all knowledge of a band called Pussy Riot.
What the hell are you talking about?
You know what, Vlad? You know bloody what? Men like you...
You want a blackout, Dave?
You know what? Men like you... and men like me... we’re the same.
I know we are. Let’s drink some vodka in a toast to us being the same.
Yeah. We’re so the same. I crave power.
I know you do. That is why you’re in charge.
But... I don’t believe I’m the one in charge. I’m only a conduit. If what I’m doing is unpopular, I stop doing it.
If the great men in history stopped doing things because they were unpopular, nobody would have got anything done. Look at Genghis Khan. The whole of Asia was in thrall to his armies. Did he care about the effect he had on people?
Genghis Khan was fundamentally monstrous.
Without him, Europe would have been stuck in the age of barbarism. Man introduced multiculturalism, free trade, and a firm hand to half the known world. His son both conquered and ruled China more benevolently than the ones in power before him. Showed men like us how to do it. Look at Iraq. You need to learn from Kublai, Dave. Genghis Khan was a monster? If he is, we are all descended from a monster. If God created us in his own image, then Jesus was not the form He took when he came to earth. Genghis Khan was.
That’s possibly the most tasteless thing I’ve ever heard. Man killed millions.
To save billions.
Oh, I thought you were quoting Watchmen too.
Never mind. You westerners make all the great art, all the great films, and you don’t even watch anymore. No wonder you are so out of touch. Me, I’m a man of the people. I hunt. I gather moss.
You gather moss?
What? My translator messed up.
But you’ve been speaking English the whole time.
No – you’ve been speaking Russian.
I have?
Yeah. You want that blackout?
Alright, I’ve been speaking Russian. Tell me, what did you think of Gorbachev?
Oh, lord. Vlad... what’s the point of this meeting?
Syria, wasn’t it?
Yes. My argument was going to be along the lines of telling you that you need to support the Syrian people in their fight against a repressive dictator. But I suppose you think Assad’s a great man because...
I never said that. The man’s a wanker. You want money? I can give you money.
Money for what?
I don’t know. I just want you to like me and Russia. I’ll give you whatever money to make this Assad man go away.
But if he is toppled, then the idea of democracy will spread and bloom through not only the Middle East, but also perhaps into Russia.
Is that a problem for you? Democracy? Because you’ve got a democracy in your country, right? Nothing repressive about that at all?
You kidding me? I’m a tyrant! Eton educated, and you’re too stupid to realise that. Fuck me.
So am I getting the money or not?
No. But you’re not getting the blackout for at least another ten years. Have a good one, Dave. Was fun to catch up.
We’ve never met before.